Discoveries
Hello friends,
It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything. We’re coming up on 3 months since Drew died, and life feels strange. It is unexpectedly different, and surprisingly the same.
I’ve been wanting to write and share this part of the journey, and many of you have asked for updates as well. Also, in his last days, Drew said to me, “Promise me you’ll keep writing.” I said I would, and here I am.
Writing has always been a part of who I am and what I do, in many different forms. So, continuing this habit of posting is good for me. I love to share what God has taught me, what He’s doing in my life, and how He continues to show me “the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” [Psalm 27:13] I’m working on a book, too. A project I’ve long thought about and one Drew always encouraged me to do.
I’m not quite sure where these posts will go, in terms of topics, and I’m sure they will shift and change as time goes on. Going forward, I will only be posting them on my own website, not on Caring Bridge.
[All the old posts will stay on Caring Bridge, but the new ones will not. Because my website is primarily for my business, these posts will be on a page that is only accessible through the link I email to you.
You will get an email from me—Christine@BOLDJoyfulOrganizing—that has a link to the blog where I will be posting from now on. This first post will be on Caring Bridge AND the website.
If you don’t see an email from me with a link to this post, check your junk mail.
At some point, I will figure out a better spot to put them, but for now, this is the easiest route, technology-wise, because I don’t have bandwidth to deal with technology issues right now!]
At the moment, I am visiting family and friends in Pennsylvania and beyond. This is a long trip away from home, and I was uncertain about being gone so long. Uncertain, partly, because I’m traveling by myself and I don’t have anyone else to consider in making my plans. That is new. Partly, because I still have lots of tasks on my lists, lists I started in late May after the funeral. So many things to take care of!
The beauty of online accounts is being able to take care of things no matter where you are. Though I continue to deal with the logistical, legal, and financial tasks of Drew’s passing, every week the load gets lighter. It does help to have a change of scenery, and even more, to have chunks of time with extended family and friends that I don’t get to see all the time.
Let’s start these new posts with what everyone wants to know:
“How are you doing?”
This is by far, the most frequent question I am asked. Quickly followed by,
“And how are your kids doing?”
Can I be honest? I truly appreciate the heart behind the asking, I’m so grateful when you check in on me, I am encouraged and lifted up when you reach out to me, and I’m strengthened by all your support. At the same time, it is tricky to answer these questions. I struggle to find the words and I don’t know which part of how I am doing to talk about.
Parts of my life are easy, parts are extremely difficult, and everything else in-between. There are very private pieces of this season which I can’t share. There are dull, chore-like tasks which are both a distraction from grief and a huge source of frustration. I can easily vent about the inefficiency of switching account information with certain companies or the repetitive nature of dealing with health insurance claims, but really that’s just on the surface.
How am I doing? I don’t really have an answer for that.
What am I discovering?
What is surprising me in this season?
What decisions am I wrestling with?
What is wearing me down?
What is lifting me up?
These types of questions are much easier to answer. I’ll tackle the first one here.
I am discovering, again and still, the ways Jesus holds me, strengthens me, and leads me. I am discovering my rhythms of faith continue to yield fruit. I still seek and see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I continue to choose and cultivate the joy of the Lord in my days.
Life without Drew is a strange new space that I traverse every day,
but
Life with Jesus is a familiar, comforting, joyful space that I still recognize and find refuge in alongside this new reality.
The post I wrote at Easter, which so many people loved and resonated with, talked about the “not enough” aspect of this life here on earth. We never have enough time or experiences no matter how long we live or how much we do. Life is not long enough, wide enough, or deep enough.
This is certainly true when I look around and see all the unfinished work in Drew’s woodshop. When I think about all the places we planned to go but didn’t get to. When I consider all the restoration we were working toward in our relationship but had not yet reached.
And yet. And yet. Despite not having all I longed for with Drew, I am not alone. This truth is expanding for me these days. I have family and friends who walk beside me, holding me when I weep, praying for me when prompted, blessing me in unexpected and delightful ways.
So, I continue in the lifelong journey of following Jesus and running my race with Him, and alongside you.
I am discovering the truths I hold, hold me. Even here and now.
How about you?
What are you discovering with Jesus these days?